A “Little, Orange” Support Team

As we approach the end of another school year, attention shifts to things ending and future plans. This is elevated in the conscience of our house since we have a graduating senior.  Oh future plans, how illusive you are.  

“How can I possibly complete my college registration if I don’t know exactly what I am going to be doing for a career 15 years from now?”  

“My mind is so busy trying to figure out complex world problems, I don’t have time to worry about scheduling my placement tests for college.”

I love to marvel the virtuous thinker.

One of the keys to solving the future plans dilemma is to leverage the talents of more seasoned [old] advisors [parents].  Yep, I know what you are thinking.  Taking guidance from  parents is not natural for an independence-seeking senior.  Our senior is not necessarily seeking full independence; remember “Life is a Lot of Stuff”.

When struggling with future plans, the wisdom of parents can yield:

• List making for tasks (especially when you loath lists) [quick quote-”Is that all you do all day, sit around and make lists for everyone else?”]
• Methodical problem solving techniques (pros/cons, facts/assumptions, possible solutions, etc.)
• Lessons learned from previous mistakes (and there are several!)
• Feedback on skills and talents
• Encouragement
• Course correction (more than you would like, maybe)
• THE SIGNIFICANCE OF HAVING A LOVING SUPPORT TEAM!

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you realize that success is only achievable with a dedicated support team.  It is easy to see when this pearl of wisdom has not yet been realized.  

“Everyone else is the Oompa Loompa in my world.”

I guess we are a “little, orange” support team.

Proverbs 3:13-18 “Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her; those who hold her fast will be blessed.”

- What is Your Plan -

"The Lexicon Kerfuffle"

One very important step in any planning activity is communicating your plan to others, sometimes a superior.  Yes, we should be communicating with our superiors [any type of authority] and word/phrase choice is very important in this communication event.  

As many of you already know, my home is a petri dish of “wisdom”, especially concerning word/phrase use.  It struck me the other day that many of the phrases heard around my house would be completely inappropriate in a professional setting, especially in a dialogue with your boss.  

Imagine this...Your boss asks you to bring the current status report to her office and give her a quick update.  Your response should not be “If it’s that important to you, you’ll get up and get it.”

or

“Some of the things you are doing just don’t make sense.” [Before you ask, the answer is yes.  These are direct quotes from conversations with my “wisdom” guardians.]

Here are a few more; all are equally impressive and completely inappropriate in the office.  [or at home with parents]

“Speak freak.”

“Sit boy sit.”

“Please leave a message after the tone. BEEP.”

“I am hi-larious.”

“Blah, Blah, Blah.”

“REALLY???”

“You have been my father (supervisor) long enough.  You should know what I mean.”

and a classic...

“Yes, your majesty”

So let me unpack the title for you.  Lexicon - a person’s vocabulary.  Kerfuffle - a disorderly outburst, disturbance, or commotion.  My “wisdom” guardians literally have “a disturbing vocabulary.”  I am not sure where they get it from.  Maybe the nuts don’t fall far from the trees.

Proverbs 16:24: “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

- What is Your Plan? -

The Alarm Clock Paradox

I will start with an apology to my three readers… I am sorry for the absence.  I had shoulder surgery in October and lost my writing rhythm.  Rest assured, I am back and I plan to continue the blog as long as you three remain entertained.  Onto the Alarm Clock Paradox.

I would like to back a bold statement… The worst time of the day for decision making is during the moments immediately following the rude blast of the alarm clock.  Sure, you are the one who has to go to work or school and you were the one that selected the wake up time, but that doesn’t mean you are going to make a good decision the second you hear the sleep shattering BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

A typical morning in our house:

The alarm is set for 5:30 am.  [This is totally reasonable since the family member has to leave the house at 11:30 am for an appointment. What??? Might be a different kind of planning problem, but I digress]

The alarm starts its progressive crescendo for BEEPS at 5:30.  The first moment of bad decision making is to do nothing and let the BEEPS continue their upward spiral.  After what seems like 35 minutes, those BEEPS stop with the tap of the snooze button.

But wait, there is a second alarm horn wailing in the same room.  If one poorly set alarm is good, then two is better and doubles the opportunity to make bad decisions.  This second alarm is somehow silenced.  Apparently, this second alarm is a complete surprise to this family member.  

After 9 minutes, as you would guess, the cycle repeats prompting another round of bad decisions.  This time, the magnitude of the bad decision increases.  The alarms are turned off completely, and the comfort of the warm bed beckons.  The warm bed seeker is completely unaware that the entire household is awake and is looking to seek revenge for their interrupted slumber.

With no alarms to interrupt the peaceful rest, our slumberjack doesn’t wake up until 11:05 am with a loud “Oh, crap!”  He’s not sure if he is going to make it out the door on time and there are no sympathetic family members who are willing to assist.  Oh, and did I mention it is a Saturday!

At some time or another, I think we’ve all made bad decisions immediately following the alarm's first clang.  My strong recommendation is never ever put yourself in a position to negotiate with your alarm clock.  It will almost always deceive you, over and over again.

Proverbs 26:11 “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.”

-- What is Your Plan?--

“Creatures of Habit...or Not.”

I tend to be most effective if I have a “to do” List (aka action steps in a plan).  In fact, I am often completely ineffective and get nothing done if I don’t have a detailed “List”.  A “List” works for me.  Just ask my wife.  She always has a “List” ready for me.  [I may pay for that one.]

So it only stands to reason that my sons should adopt the same technique.  My keen observation of them proves that they have the capacity to embrace the concept of a “List”.  They are extreme creatures of habit:

“I can not leave for the bus before 6:10.”

“That is my seat.”

“Egg bake is for Easter and Turkey is for Thanksgiving.  We can’t eat them on any other days.”

“I always scrub my hands for 5 minutes with the scalding hot water running.”

“First the news, then I will get ready for school.”

“I always take two bottles of Gatorade to practice.”

“I have to do my devotion prior to going to bed.” [a very good one]

To be fair, teens are not the only ones that develop nonsensical habits.  I actually observed an adult ask a Pastor and his family to move prior to worship because that was “their pew.”  Really?  Your pew?  [I do go to a Lutheran church, thanks for asking]  

Ok, back to the “List” topic.  

With so much experience with conforming to a specific set of habits, transforming these teens to get organized using a “List” should be easy.  Not so fast.

A list is restrictive, too organized, prohibitive, confining, and too structured.  We often hear:

“I know what needs to be done.”

“I will do it today.”

“I will do it tomorrow.” [it never comes, trust me]

“I will remember so I don’t need to write it down.”

I am confused.  One of them always has his headlight within arm’s reach but a “List” is too structured?

One of our sons has recently embraced the “List” idea by writing all of his assignments on a calendar.  A true epiphany.  

Hope remains!

Romans 15:13  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

- What is your plan? -

“Life is a lot of Stuff”

I could hear the discussion as I came into the house after work.  My wife was discussing daily, routine tasks with my son.  This was a normal conversation that occurred from time to time.

“Did you get your chores done?”

“What about your stretches?  Did you do all of them?”

“How much math did you complete today?  Are you planning to do more tonight?’

“What time did you get up today?”

I join in.

“You’ve only been up since noon.  Did you really expect to get everything done?”

“Don’t forget to put your clothes away.”

“You have drink glasses on the table that need to go in the sink.”

“Did you finish your daily reading?”

It is about this time that we get a louder-than-normal, “NOW WAIT A MINUTE!”

“You can’t expect me to get that much stuff done in a day!”

The door is now open.  Won’t you come in?

My wife and I love the opportunity to teach, impart wisdom on, and, generally, educate our sons on life.  Our response is a well choreographed back and forth that would make any tennis match viewer dizzy.

“We are not asking you to do anything out of the ordinary.”

“You knew this morning that this stuff needed to be done.”

“You have to get yourself organized so you can prioritize your work for the day.”

“We’ve recommended that you use your calendar but you never set it up.”

“You are going to be living on your own within a couple of years.  You need to learn these skills.”

“You have to get your work done AND take care of yourself.”

“I don’t think you want your mommy and daddy living with you.”

“Most of what we are asking you to do is a part of normal life.”

“I know but… Life is a lot of stuff”

You know what, he is right.  Life is a lot of stuff.  I can’t say it any better than that.

Colossians 3:23-24  “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”

- What is your plan? -

“Parenting Instructions”

Ever wonder where parenting instructions come from?  I have.  And sometimes you find them in the strangest places.  We can all name some of the more obvious places; Parents, Grandparents, Family Members, Friends, Pastors, Cartoons, Blog Posters, Google, etc.  

Ok, maybe some of these are not so obvious or conventional.  I have to imagine that several of you parents out there have Googled “How do you punish a biter?”

Did you notice how Cartoons was listed immediately after Pastors?  Interesting.

When our oldest was four, he decided to throw a large tantrum in a very public area of a medical facility.  He lost the privilege of riding the escalator and that set him off even more.  We walked a short distance away and let him have his fit.  Tantrums from young children are not a new thing, but the parenting instruction or confirmation of our technique came from an unexpected place.  A random stranger said “Good for you for not giving in”.  What a great affirmation from a completely unexpected source.

Want another unexpected source?  How about your very own teenager?  Yep.  It really does make sense.  He is at the peak of wisdom and he is the one on the receiving end of “parenting”.  Why not listen to his parenting advice?  A couple of years ago (he is now 17), he decided to share his parenting instruction with us.

His words:

“I’m going to run a tighter ship than you do.”  [moments earlier he was not happy that we were being strict]

“I will loosen up when need be.”  [aka... so I can do what I want]

“You can spread the loosening and tightening around.”  [yep, waffling is always the best policy]

Pure gold enlightenment.  Run a tight ship, loosen up when needed, spread it around.  Got it.

As I prepared for writing today, I forwarded some notes from our iPad.  This was the actual texting conversation between my wife and me.

 

“I got parenting info from the iPad.”  

“Awesome!  If it were only that easy to parent.  Got

it from the iPad.”

Wait a minute.  Can you actually get parenting instructions from an iPad?  Is there really “an app for that”?  Yes there is.  778 apps to be more precise.  Check it out.  Search “parenting” in your apps store.

Not sure what that means about our society but it does confirm my hunch about odd places for parenting instructions.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

- What is your plan? -

“It doesn't need to make sense to you.”

One of the hardest things for a parent to do is allow their teenager to make a mistake.  We want to protect them.  We don’t want them to make the same mistakes we made.  (Actually, we expect them to be learning at a much faster rate than they are demonstrating, and thus, not making repeated mistakes.)  I am not talking about big, life-threatening mistakes.  I mean the relatively small mistakes associated with everyday activities.

The train wreck is coming; it is as clear as Aruban waters.  There is no way to make him see the eventual outcome.  He continues to march down the same path…

“I told you your mother is always right.  Why are you arguing with her?”

“Because I know she is wrong and I must correct her.”  [Choo, Choo]

“You need to finish your laundry and do your journal.”

“Ok.  I am going to work on my foreign language.”  [Bright Light, Bright Light]

“Maybe you should work ahead on school work since you have time right now.”

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“Are you going to go and do the work now?”

“Nah. I’ll do it later.”  [Clack, Clack, Clack]

“Why are you carrying one little bottle at a time to the table?”

“It takes more energy for me to carry more than one at a time.”

“But you have a bag with you.  Why not put them in your bag and make one trip instead of 4?”

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

“It doesn't need to make sense to you.  It just needs to make sense to me.”

And there it is.  No truer words were ever said from a full-of-wisdom teenager.  So many of their choices only need to make sense to them.  What we see as mistakes, they see as independence, assuming responsibility, decision making, and problem solving.  It really doesn’t matter to them that the outcome will be a front row seat on the cattle guard of a large locomotive.  To them, making a mistake is not a negative.  They only want to have that brief moment of control.

We should let them make more mistakes.  And remember, “It doesn't need to make sense to you.”

Proverbs 12:15  “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.”

- What is your plan? -

“I Know”

My all time favorite response from my teenagers is “I Know”.  It’s multi-purpose and conveys a complete thought.  It indicates wisdom as the synonyms for “know” are grasp, understand, and comprehend.  Merriam-Webster tells us it literally means “to have knowledge”.  We all know that teenagers have all the knowledge they need.  This is why “I Know” is not only my favorite response, it is also the most frequent.

“You have Spanish homework due tomorrow.”

“I Know.”

“If you know, why don’t you do it now.”

“I Know!”

“The Spanish homework is not going to complete itself.”

“I Know!!”

“If you know, why am I having to tell you?”

(BIG EYE ROLL)

[another favorite]

Sounds like a complete grasp of the situation to me.

“We have to be out the door by 12:15 tomorrow.  You have an appointment.”  

“I Know.”

“You said “I Know” the last time and you were 20 minutes late.”

“I Know!”

“If you know, then what is your plan to make sure you are on time?”

“ahh”

“You need a plan to get up on time.”

“I know.”

[He was only 12 minutes late this time]

“Your appointment was moved from today to next week.”

“I know.”

“How could you possible have known?  I just received the email.”

“ahh”

[gotcha]

He clearly has a complete comprehension of all knowledge.

We have an abundance of “knowing” in our house.  Anybody need a little?

Proverbs 2:10 “For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.”

- What is your plan? -

"The Problem Is..."

My wife (“M”) and I are the proud parents of a 17 year old young man (“S”).  He is at the age of peak wisdom.  He can immediately identify “The Problem” when things aren’t going according to his plan.

The Background:  “S” is homeschooled and is assigned his work for the week.  He is expected to be an independent worker and understands the concept of natural consequences (remember: he is at the age of peak wisdom).  If he doesn't get his work done, the work rolls over to the next week.  If this continues long enough, he won't graduate on time.  And so on...

The Dialog:

S -  “Good Morning.”

M - “It is not morning when the time is 11:50 am.  I thought you were starting your school work earlier today.  What happened?”

S- “Well, you see, from my view….”

M- “Why are you still in your pajamas?”

S- “I knew it was late so I thought…”

M- “What time did you go to bed last night?”

S- “11:00 pm, no wait 3:00 am but that is not the problem.  The problem is….”

I would submit to you that identification of “The Problem” is the first, and most important, imperative in proper planning.  In the exaggerated (this never happens) example above, our wise-beyond-his years 17 year old was on a path to identify the wrong problem.  His plan, if he got that far, would have missed the mark.  Clearly, “The Problem” for him is loving parents who hold him accountable.

In all fairness to my son, accurate problem identification is a significant issue for most people and groups.  It is nearly always listed as the first step in any problem solving model, yet it is the most frequently neglected step.  I see it every day in my professional life.  A good plan must start with properly identifying “The Problem”.

“If I had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.”  Albert Einstein

Proverbs 14:8  “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.”

- What is your plan? -