“Interpreting Teens”

Ever find yourself in a position where you are left completely speechless by a verbal response from a teenager?  I am not talking about a vulgar or obscene response.  I mean a response that left you wondering, “what in the world did they just say?”  

I have been.  Several times.  So many times that I thought I would provide a list of my “interpretation” of the head-scratching teen responses.

“I Know”:  1 You don’t have to say that again.  2 You are right, but I don’t need you to point that out.  [One of my favorites.  I wrote a whole blog about it.]

“My Bad”:  1 I intentionally made that mistake but I will appease you by pretending to take responsibility for my lapse in judgement.  2 I’m sorry, but… not really.

“FAther”:  1 I am showing respect, in a sarcastic sort of way.  2  You seriously embarrass me.

“Blah, Blah, Blah”:  1 I’m done listening.  2 You should stop talking.

“Seriously”:  1 You are an idiot.  2 Act your age.  [Heard when a parent completely irks the teen by actions.  Can sometimes be combined with “FAther”. ]

“Really”:  1 Was I supposed to know that was wrong?  2 I’ve heard you say that before, I think.

“Any Hoo”:  1 I’m an idiot.  2 I’m going to change the topic.  [Another favorite that always seems to be offered at the precise moment the parent is presenting a critical teaching point.]

“I don’t know”:  1 I really do know the answer, but you’re not going to like it.  2 I have a lack of judgement. [This interpretation follow a “why did you do that?” type of question.]

Sometimes good communication with teens starts with a clear interpretation of what they are REALLY saying.  In full disclosure, most of these expressions were collected from teenagers including, but not limited to, my own teens.  

If you have others, I would love to hear them.

Ephesians 4:29  “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

- What is your plan -

“Life is a lot of Stuff”

I could hear the discussion as I came into the house after work.  My wife was discussing daily, routine tasks with my son.  This was a normal conversation that occurred from time to time.

“Did you get your chores done?”

“What about your stretches?  Did you do all of them?”

“How much math did you complete today?  Are you planning to do more tonight?’

“What time did you get up today?”

I join in.

“You’ve only been up since noon.  Did you really expect to get everything done?”

“Don’t forget to put your clothes away.”

“You have drink glasses on the table that need to go in the sink.”

“Did you finish your daily reading?”

It is about this time that we get a louder-than-normal, “NOW WAIT A MINUTE!”

“You can’t expect me to get that much stuff done in a day!”

The door is now open.  Won’t you come in?

My wife and I love the opportunity to teach, impart wisdom on, and, generally, educate our sons on life.  Our response is a well choreographed back and forth that would make any tennis match viewer dizzy.

“We are not asking you to do anything out of the ordinary.”

“You knew this morning that this stuff needed to be done.”

“You have to get yourself organized so you can prioritize your work for the day.”

“We’ve recommended that you use your calendar but you never set it up.”

“You are going to be living on your own within a couple of years.  You need to learn these skills.”

“You have to get your work done AND take care of yourself.”

“I don’t think you want your mommy and daddy living with you.”

“Most of what we are asking you to do is a part of normal life.”

“I know but… Life is a lot of stuff”

You know what, he is right.  Life is a lot of stuff.  I can’t say it any better than that.

Colossians 3:23-24  “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.”

- What is your plan? -

“Parenting Instructions”

Ever wonder where parenting instructions come from?  I have.  And sometimes you find them in the strangest places.  We can all name some of the more obvious places; Parents, Grandparents, Family Members, Friends, Pastors, Cartoons, Blog Posters, Google, etc.  

Ok, maybe some of these are not so obvious or conventional.  I have to imagine that several of you parents out there have Googled “How do you punish a biter?”

Did you notice how Cartoons was listed immediately after Pastors?  Interesting.

When our oldest was four, he decided to throw a large tantrum in a very public area of a medical facility.  He lost the privilege of riding the escalator and that set him off even more.  We walked a short distance away and let him have his fit.  Tantrums from young children are not a new thing, but the parenting instruction or confirmation of our technique came from an unexpected place.  A random stranger said “Good for you for not giving in”.  What a great affirmation from a completely unexpected source.

Want another unexpected source?  How about your very own teenager?  Yep.  It really does make sense.  He is at the peak of wisdom and he is the one on the receiving end of “parenting”.  Why not listen to his parenting advice?  A couple of years ago (he is now 17), he decided to share his parenting instruction with us.

His words:

“I’m going to run a tighter ship than you do.”  [moments earlier he was not happy that we were being strict]

“I will loosen up when need be.”  [aka... so I can do what I want]

“You can spread the loosening and tightening around.”  [yep, waffling is always the best policy]

Pure gold enlightenment.  Run a tight ship, loosen up when needed, spread it around.  Got it.

As I prepared for writing today, I forwarded some notes from our iPad.  This was the actual texting conversation between my wife and me.

 

“I got parenting info from the iPad.”  

“Awesome!  If it were only that easy to parent.  Got

it from the iPad.”

Wait a minute.  Can you actually get parenting instructions from an iPad?  Is there really “an app for that”?  Yes there is.  778 apps to be more precise.  Check it out.  Search “parenting” in your apps store.

Not sure what that means about our society but it does confirm my hunch about odd places for parenting instructions.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”

- What is your plan? -

“Behavior Modification”

An interesting thing has happened since I started to blog 6 weeks ago.  Our supper conversations have changed.  Let me explain.

We eat together around the supper table as often as we can.  Normally, it is only Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday evenings since our youngest teenager is a gymnast and practices the other days; CHALK UP!  [sorry about the yell]  Our supper conversations are usually entertaining as we dig into our teenagers’ lives.  We would discuss especially intriguing behaviors from our ever-wise duo.

These entertaining exchanges sometimes yield great material for a blog.  They’ve caught on.  I’m busted.  It wasn’t really that hard for them to catch on to my method since my wife would say “that would make great blog” material.  

The result was an immediate change in behavior.  Now, we both use the threat of the blog to  invoke behavior modification.  The threat of public embarrassment is a very efficient tool in behavior management for teens.  It is truly amazing.  

“Do you really want to sleep past your alarm and get the bulldozer treatment?  That would be a funny blog post.” - result: teenager is out of bed before the second snooze.

“You seem to be avoiding your writing.  Your dad might write about that in his blog.” - result: teenager completes his paper on time.

I wrote about incentives and unintended outcomes in a previous blog.  This was another great example.  I had no idea that my writing could be an effective discipline tool.  Just another club in the golf bag of parenting.

Proverbs 22:6  “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”

- What is your plan? -

"The Problem Is..."

My wife (“M”) and I are the proud parents of a 17 year old young man (“S”).  He is at the age of peak wisdom.  He can immediately identify “The Problem” when things aren’t going according to his plan.

The Background:  “S” is homeschooled and is assigned his work for the week.  He is expected to be an independent worker and understands the concept of natural consequences (remember: he is at the age of peak wisdom).  If he doesn't get his work done, the work rolls over to the next week.  If this continues long enough, he won't graduate on time.  And so on...

The Dialog:

S -  “Good Morning.”

M - “It is not morning when the time is 11:50 am.  I thought you were starting your school work earlier today.  What happened?”

S- “Well, you see, from my view….”

M- “Why are you still in your pajamas?”

S- “I knew it was late so I thought…”

M- “What time did you go to bed last night?”

S- “11:00 pm, no wait 3:00 am but that is not the problem.  The problem is….”

I would submit to you that identification of “The Problem” is the first, and most important, imperative in proper planning.  In the exaggerated (this never happens) example above, our wise-beyond-his years 17 year old was on a path to identify the wrong problem.  His plan, if he got that far, would have missed the mark.  Clearly, “The Problem” for him is loving parents who hold him accountable.

In all fairness to my son, accurate problem identification is a significant issue for most people and groups.  It is nearly always listed as the first step in any problem solving model, yet it is the most frequently neglected step.  I see it every day in my professional life.  A good plan must start with properly identifying “The Problem”.

“If I had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.”  Albert Einstein

Proverbs 14:8  “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.”

- What is your plan? -